I am a someone you don't even know.
I was born on International women’s day in the 1970’s. I left home at 14 and survived most
of high school depending on the kindness of the families of friends. Thank you so much for
allowing me temporary refuge from the climate. My “unskilled” labor hit a ceiling in 1997
despite my actual ability. I’m from the GenX who has never seen a pay raise which paralleled
my skill level. And my skill level is quite high, because of the situation with my rather big
brains and athletic/ dexterous physique.
of high school depending on the kindness of the families of friends. Thank you so much for
allowing me temporary refuge from the climate. My “unskilled” labor hit a ceiling in 1997
despite my actual ability. I’m from the GenX who has never seen a pay raise which paralleled
my skill level. And my skill level is quite high, because of the situation with my rather big
brains and athletic/ dexterous physique.
In 1999 I gave up my half share of a restaurant I bought with the money received from my
mother’s insurance after she died painfully of cancer. I was the middle child- of an alcoholic
so you can deduce any number of things- communicator, caretaker, scapegoat, invisible…
mother’s insurance after she died painfully of cancer. I was the middle child- of an alcoholic
so you can deduce any number of things- communicator, caretaker, scapegoat, invisible…
I had decided to compromise with my partner and let go of the business to allow the
relationship to thrive, but when the money ran out from my inheritance, he ran out on me.
relationship to thrive, but when the money ran out from my inheritance, he ran out on me.
But that’s okay, because I am a strong all powerful goddess warrior and I can survive anything.
Heartbroken, I took the last few hundreds of dollars to drive my mom’s camry out to the west
coast from NH. The adventure of crossing the country in March hauling a trailer and singing
with my border collie shepherd soulmate is another book altogether. Needless to say it was an
education.
coast from NH. The adventure of crossing the country in March hauling a trailer and singing
with my border collie shepherd soulmate is another book altogether. Needless to say it was an
education.
The week before I left, gas prices suddenly shot up 40￠per gallon and I arrived disheveled
and sweaty on my 25th birthday in Oregon with $8.00 in my pocket. Loving friends helped me
while I got a job as a butcher at a crossover grocery store. I had several other food service
jobs and over the next two years migrated north to Seattle.
and sweaty on my 25th birthday in Oregon with $8.00 in my pocket. Loving friends helped me
while I got a job as a butcher at a crossover grocery store. I had several other food service
jobs and over the next two years migrated north to Seattle.
I met my second husband and we quickly made a baby. She is amazing in ways I can’t
articulate. I grew her and protected her with my body and soul. I’ll have to tell you about her
another time because I have to explain why I became the somebody you don’t know.
articulate. I grew her and protected her with my body and soul. I’ll have to tell you about her
another time because I have to explain why I became the somebody you don’t know.
Not knowing a person before making a commitment to raise a child together is something I do
not recommend. In the counseling I have given during my “reaching back to help” people,
I advise knowing a person for a few years, which is how long it takes to suss out the warning
signals of domestic violence. If you want information about such things, please feel free to
ask me or join a women’s group at the YWCA or online in any number of platforms. Growing
up as the caretaker in dysfunction primed me for getting pulled into a cycle of domestic abuse
which took many dystopian years to escape from. I am a survivor now- something I (secular)
pray all victims will someday become.
not recommend. In the counseling I have given during my “reaching back to help” people,
I advise knowing a person for a few years, which is how long it takes to suss out the warning
signals of domestic violence. If you want information about such things, please feel free to
ask me or join a women’s group at the YWCA or online in any number of platforms. Growing
up as the caretaker in dysfunction primed me for getting pulled into a cycle of domestic abuse
which took many dystopian years to escape from. I am a survivor now- something I (secular)
pray all victims will someday become.
It’s okay, because I am a strong all powerful goddess warrior and I can survive anything.
It took 8 years after the divorce before I really felt safe. I had a couple of years of quiet, after
which he started stalking us again. We survived, and he died last year on my birthday. I know
he loved me in the only way he knew how to love and I wasn’t angry that he did it on that day,
just sad that his life had been full of so much suffering, because we all know that hurt
people hurt people.
which he started stalking us again. We survived, and he died last year on my birthday. I know
he loved me in the only way he knew how to love and I wasn’t angry that he did it on that day,
just sad that his life had been full of so much suffering, because we all know that hurt
people hurt people.
He had so many beautiful qualities which were ruined by a society which taught him how to
behave towards women and children having suffered from abuse and negligence himself. I
still have compassion for his pain. But of course, for most of our relationship I had to
protect myself and my daughter from him. He could not be a husband or a father. It’s very sad.
behave towards women and children having suffered from abuse and negligence himself. I
still have compassion for his pain. But of course, for most of our relationship I had to
protect myself and my daughter from him. He could not be a husband or a father. It’s very sad.
But that’s okay, because I am a strong all powerful goddess warrior and I can survive anything.
During this time, I became sick. I was graciously able to spend a couple years of working (for
still far less than my value) at a garden nursery and it was lovely. I learned so much about
plants and the climate on the Olympic Peninsula. I felt like I was living in goddess country.
My ancestors had walked from the left coast to Nova Scotia and I had walked back home.
So learning about new flora was a delight. It made the pay scale glass ceiling of "unskilled
labor" a little less cutting because I was actually getting paid to deadhead flowers.
still far less than my value) at a garden nursery and it was lovely. I learned so much about
plants and the climate on the Olympic Peninsula. I felt like I was living in goddess country.
My ancestors had walked from the left coast to Nova Scotia and I had walked back home.
So learning about new flora was a delight. It made the pay scale glass ceiling of "unskilled
labor" a little less cutting because I was actually getting paid to deadhead flowers.
It took two years for a diagnosis. It’s an incurable neurological /nervous system/ immune
system malfunction with constant pain which has all kinds of secondary symptoms like
mental acuity and exhaustion. I can’t get restorative sleep in the delta band so I end up taking
lots of naps at all hours. I worked less and less until I couldn’t even keep a 24 hr work week
and finally had to quit in 2008.
system malfunction with constant pain which has all kinds of secondary symptoms like
mental acuity and exhaustion. I can’t get restorative sleep in the delta band so I end up taking
lots of naps at all hours. I worked less and less until I couldn’t even keep a 24 hr work week
and finally had to quit in 2008.
If you asked me how I survived, with no income as a single disabled mom~ you would hear
a dystopian nightmare of inadequate social services, insufficient budgets, broken housing,
emergency shelter , transitional housing, couch surfing story that lasted for 10 years before
I finally had all of the toggles working together properly. The stress from enduring so many
years in crisis exacerbated the parasympathetic system which was already deficient due to
my illness. It hurt so much. Every day.
a dystopian nightmare of inadequate social services, insufficient budgets, broken housing,
emergency shelter , transitional housing, couch surfing story that lasted for 10 years before
I finally had all of the toggles working together properly. The stress from enduring so many
years in crisis exacerbated the parasympathetic system which was already deficient due to
my illness. It hurt so much. Every day.
But that’s okay, because I am a strong all powerful goddess warrior and I can survive anything.
Medicaid is a giant fail. I can only get pills and completely unnecessary appointment where
I check in but change nothing. My first doctors had me on vicodin for a few years and it was
so difficult because it lies and exerts control over the brainwaves I have always been so
proud of. It was difficult to endure, and when I found an alternative I was relieved in a way I can’t
articulate. I can’t imagine what it would be like beholden to opiates of a stronger nature and I
applaud anyone who could survive such opiate lies. I am never without pain. No painkiller
has been able to manage that. My myelin is reduced so my nerves are raw. I grew nerve
endings in my vessels where they should not be. Then my brain translates pain from no
injury as well as no pain when there is injury so I have to be so very mindful of how my body
is doing. I have a secondary response to injury when my brain won’t allow me to feel it
normally. Sometimes I throw up instead of noticing that I need to rest.
I check in but change nothing. My first doctors had me on vicodin for a few years and it was
so difficult because it lies and exerts control over the brainwaves I have always been so
proud of. It was difficult to endure, and when I found an alternative I was relieved in a way I can’t
articulate. I can’t imagine what it would be like beholden to opiates of a stronger nature and I
applaud anyone who could survive such opiate lies. I am never without pain. No painkiller
has been able to manage that. My myelin is reduced so my nerves are raw. I grew nerve
endings in my vessels where they should not be. Then my brain translates pain from no
injury as well as no pain when there is injury so I have to be so very mindful of how my body
is doing. I have a secondary response to injury when my brain won’t allow me to feel it
normally. Sometimes I throw up instead of noticing that I need to rest.
But that’s okay, because I am a strong all powerful goddess warrior and I can survive anything.
My doctor prescribes certain physical therapies and massage and water work which is way
outside the coverage state HMO, despite the federal law which requires alternative medicine
to be included in insurance policy. So I do my best with the tools I have and have discovered
the new normal.
outside the coverage state HMO, despite the federal law which requires alternative medicine
to be included in insurance policy. So I do my best with the tools I have and have discovered
the new normal.
I was an athlete. I was a kick ass basketball forward who played on the boys’ team before
there was a girls’ team- winning the championships in the last two seconds of the game
bad ass kicking righteous babe. I swam against olympic athletes until I was 12. I built
my restaurant with my hands. I fixed my car with my knuckles. I owned power tools, hauled
trees and built greenhouses, carried huge bags of dry goods and produce and plants so
when I got sick I had a huge learning curve about how to delegate the work I could no longer do.
there was a girls’ team- winning the championships in the last two seconds of the game
bad ass kicking righteous babe. I swam against olympic athletes until I was 12. I built
my restaurant with my hands. I fixed my car with my knuckles. I owned power tools, hauled
trees and built greenhouses, carried huge bags of dry goods and produce and plants so
when I got sick I had a huge learning curve about how to delegate the work I could no longer do.
But that’s okay, because I am a strong all powerful goddess warrior and I can survive anything.
I can’t even change my oil now.
The stairs hurt.
Acceptance is amazing.
.
The grief process -I am sure I don’t have to tell you- is like a maze in and out through all of
the stages which don’t really ever go away completely but quiet over time. But acceptance
is one of the best things I have ever been a party to. Through accepting my limitations I
learned how to forgive myself for the choices I have made and the ability I had to make
them. In doing this- I am able to understand and forgive others in the same way. This is
how I know that you are an amazing (secular) miracle. You are a perfect beautiful mess
and your value is immeasurable. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel broken or like you are
a mistake.
the stages which don’t really ever go away completely but quiet over time. But acceptance
is one of the best things I have ever been a party to. Through accepting my limitations I
learned how to forgive myself for the choices I have made and the ability I had to make
them. In doing this- I am able to understand and forgive others in the same way. This is
how I know that you are an amazing (secular) miracle. You are a perfect beautiful mess
and your value is immeasurable. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel broken or like you are
a mistake.
We all experience the loneliness of individuality, but please know that you are loved and
necessary just like any blade of grass in the field or speck of stardust in the universe. Nobody
has enough information to make any judgement about your mess and the choices you make.
You are a work of art made by billions of atoms and cells and experiences and influences.
I mean it. You are perfect. Even when you are being a total asshole. Because; reasons.
necessary just like any blade of grass in the field or speck of stardust in the universe. Nobody
has enough information to make any judgement about your mess and the choices you make.
You are a work of art made by billions of atoms and cells and experiences and influences.
I mean it. You are perfect. Even when you are being a total asshole. Because; reasons.
Since you have patiently endured my writing for all this time, I will reward you with what I
promised above. I will explain why I am the person you don’t even know.
promised above. I will explain why I am the person you don’t even know.
I have always challenged people who don’t understand poverty to live on a welfare budget.
Nobody ever has. I remember a long time ago- Morgan Spurlock did that show where he
lived on minimum wage for a while. It was pretty close, but even minimum wage is much
more than disability.
Nobody ever has. I remember a long time ago- Morgan Spurlock did that show where he
lived on minimum wage for a while. It was pretty close, but even minimum wage is much
more than disability.
I survived on $420 TANF per month for 8 years raising a child alone and disabled.
I survived a healthcare system which refuses to pay for medical needs including refusing to
treat negative rh for my son who I lost at 15 weeks in Oklahoma due to systemic racial
injustice because my children are Mi’kmaq and Cherokee.
treat negative rh for my son who I lost at 15 weeks in Oklahoma due to systemic racial
injustice because my children are Mi’kmaq and Cherokee.
I continue to survive this medical “care” despite it’s refusal to listen to the AMA about what
is necessary for QOL for patients like me.
is necessary for QOL for patients like me.
I survived being refused treatment during a miscarriage and being forced to wait for hours
before being seen in an emergency department with no other patients. The details would
make you reconsider pacifism.
before being seen in an emergency department with no other patients. The details would
make you reconsider pacifism.
I survived for 10 years before finally getting SSI awarded after applying 3 times. Those
stories are a whole other book. Just know that if you are not dying, it’s likely you will be
rubber stamped denial. Most of the lawyers here no longer even practice disability law.
stories are a whole other book. Just know that if you are not dying, it’s likely you will be
rubber stamped denial. Most of the lawyers here no longer even practice disability law.
I survived 7 years of homelessness to varying degrees because the housing cog in social
services is completely broken. There are different definitions of “homeless” depending on
which service you deal with so it can be very confusing and ridiculously frustrating.
services is completely broken. There are different definitions of “homeless” depending on
which service you deal with so it can be very confusing and ridiculously frustrating.
I survived domestic abuse in a system which heavily supports the parental rights of an abuser,
and a fatally flawed justice and no protection for victims- in fact much of the time the
“protections” end up escalating violence rather than thwarting it.
and a fatally flawed justice and no protection for victims- in fact much of the time the
“protections” end up escalating violence rather than thwarting it.
I am finally in a safe place albeit restricted by the state , county and federal governmental
guidelines which basically assume that anyone applying is a fraud and a criminal which
makes the processes of obtaining any social services humiliating and debased. I will have
to go through the whole process again when my child no longer lives with me because this
unit is meant for a family because it has two bedrooms. It’s not free. Some of us pay a
ceiling rate and I pay 30% income. I pay utilities separately, which brings me to;
guidelines which basically assume that anyone applying is a fraud and a criminal which
makes the processes of obtaining any social services humiliating and debased. I will have
to go through the whole process again when my child no longer lives with me because this
unit is meant for a family because it has two bedrooms. It’s not free. Some of us pay a
ceiling rate and I pay 30% income. I pay utilities separately, which brings me to;
I survive now on $783 per month. Before all overhead. Raising a teenager.
But that’s okay, because I am a strong all powerful goddess warrior and I can survive anything.
Actually, it’s NOT okay.
I don’t want anyone to suffer the way we have. I want people to live in a safe environment
and have enough to thrive. Wage stagnation is ridiculous. If we had been able to pay more
into my ss account, we would be so much better off now. Medical coverage should not
have the first response “do nothing”.
and have enough to thrive. Wage stagnation is ridiculous. If we had been able to pay more
into my ss account, we would be so much better off now. Medical coverage should not
have the first response “do nothing”.
Globulin shots once a month cost much less than 5 days of intravenous antibiotics for
miscarriage. Then I survived the most indescribable yeast infection which they refused
to treat because I had “used up the three prescriptions per month” my OK Indian HMO
allowed. Again, the details would make a pacifist reconsider their stance on violence.
miscarriage. Then I survived the most indescribable yeast infection which they refused
to treat because I had “used up the three prescriptions per month” my OK Indian HMO
allowed. Again, the details would make a pacifist reconsider their stance on violence.
Nobody should have to suffer this much to survive.
I started fighting for you in 2011
I didn’t march, but I supported from in here- this device you are reading me on. I managed to
make it into Seattle a couple of times to hug people who were fighting with their bodies. I
saw them pepper-sprayed. I saw bicycles being used as weapons. I saw horses forced
into violent acts by mounted police. I cried a lot. I still fought for you. I witnessed and
collected all of the live feeds, I sent them to local news and lawyers when needed. I did
real time reports of coordinated events all over the west coast when we shut down the
ports. I fight to raise your voice, to be heard, to be seen, to be understood. I yell into the
machine. I flirt with the machine. I romance the machine. I use quiet tones. I use humor.
I do everything I can think of while stuck on this memory foam mattress which will never
be soft enough to ease my pain. (see princess and the pea)
make it into Seattle a couple of times to hug people who were fighting with their bodies. I
saw them pepper-sprayed. I saw bicycles being used as weapons. I saw horses forced
into violent acts by mounted police. I cried a lot. I still fought for you. I witnessed and
collected all of the live feeds, I sent them to local news and lawyers when needed. I did
real time reports of coordinated events all over the west coast when we shut down the
ports. I fight to raise your voice, to be heard, to be seen, to be understood. I yell into the
machine. I flirt with the machine. I romance the machine. I use quiet tones. I use humor.
I do everything I can think of while stuck on this memory foam mattress which will never
be soft enough to ease my pain. (see princess and the pea)
I am so proud of you. I was despondent that my country was either too ignorant or too
uncaring to stand up for the rights of those living within these imaginary borders designed
by robber barons to use us as tools for profit.I was so thrilled to discover you felt that way
too, and somehow managed to find a way to combat the sociopathy of the ruling elite.
Like B said, “I don’t feel so lonely now”.
uncaring to stand up for the rights of those living within these imaginary borders designed
by robber barons to use us as tools for profit.I was so thrilled to discover you felt that way
too, and somehow managed to find a way to combat the sociopathy of the ruling elite.
Like B said, “I don’t feel so lonely now”.
Thank you for fighting for me, a person you don’t even know. Your passion, your humor,
your truth seeking, your yelling whispers and whispering yells.
your truth seeking, your yelling whispers and whispering yells.
I know you have suffered too. I may not know how, but I know you have. We all deserve better.
Keep fighting. Don’t give up on us. If this plan fails, let’s come back with another and kick
ass until the suffering of “survival” turns into the ability to thrive with quality of life.
ass until the suffering of “survival” turns into the ability to thrive with quality of life.
Thank you for being the ones who are helping people you don’t even know.
I am she.
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